Advice To New Mothers

Please note that this a tongue-in-cheek blog post written by a mother-of-one 18 month old. Do not take any of this seriously!

As soon as you find out you are pregnant you must relax, straight away because stress will harm both you and your baby, possibly forever so whatever you do girl, RELAX. You must not ever feel guilty about this but you should make sure you do it and rest a lot, plus do lots of exercise, such as lots of walking, swimming, aqua fit is perfect so definitely do that, four times a day preferably, lots of yoga and eat very well, but never worry about what you eat, you can’t be expected to do that.

Don’t change your life one bit, even if you want to vomit every second whilst at the same time, systematically change everything. You should walk every single day, without fail and take vitamin B6 which may or may not work for the nausea, eat bananas, baked beans and avocados every meal time, without fail. Make sure you remain relaxed. If you are not relaxed you have to take a bath but under no circumstances should you use water, soap or a towel.

When it comes to giving birth, a natural birth is the best way. Apart from the pain, for which you should use pain relief, lots of, as much as you want. You should avoid a c-section, also a vaginal birth. Definitely use a tens machine, essential oils, the water pool always works, except when it doesn’t and get your partner to massage you a lot, but don’t ever have your partner with you because you should use a doula, a midwife, a doctor, a consultant, an anaestheologist, but have nobody actually in the room whilst you are giving birth as you will not want this, or you might want all of them, plus your partner.

You are going to want to know about sleep in fact your whole life will become about sleep, your sleep, your babies sleep, and your neighbours sleep. You must put your baby to bed at 7pm not one minute later every single night. Apart from when you let your baby sleep whenever they want to sleep, which you should definitely do all the time.

You must sleep when your baby sleeps, except when you need a shower which should be at least once a day. You must brush your hair twice a day, every day. Do not attempt to brush your babies hair, there is not enough hair to be brushed so do not even try it ever. If you do brush your babies hair, use a tiny weeny brush, the one from mothercare that is white, as that is the only one in the entire world that will actually work.

On sleep, let your baby cry. But only for one minute. Any more will do severe damage to your baby’s brain, there are many studies done by many bona fide experts and also scientists on this. However, you must always let your baby cry as they will never learn to sleep on their own otherwise and that would be awful.

You must breastfeed, there is no other way. Apart from bottle-feeding, where you must, must, must use goats milk formula, the one that’s only available in Germany and costs Β£100, that’s the only one that works. You could bottle-feed and breastfeed but only three to twenty five times a day and you need to heat up the milk and then only do it at nighttime and if your baby ever poos change back to whatever you were doing before. Monitor the poos, every single one of them.

If your baby does not stop crying it could be one of sixteen thousand different things and you have to go through each thing and make sure it is not that. Go to baby and mum meetings, you must, even if it kills you to get there but of course never ever go if it kills you, that would be stupid.

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